Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from?

Somedays I really like hiding. I like to be alone with my thoughts, even if I have no real thoughts at all.

Some days I feel like no one ever understands me and I wonder if anyone ever will. I mean, I don't even understand me. And I am me. I use to think I was meant to do something. But really what gives me any right to do so? Because I'm conscious? Because I'm self aware. Because I survived? Darwin's Survival of the Fittest is suppose to make me feel bigger in this universe. Even bigger than religion which he disproves. But how can anyone be bigger than themselves? We make people bigger than who they are, but ultimately our favorite/most important inspirations in our lives are just people who had their own problems, had milk in their cereal and ultimately felt just as insecure as anyone else. We make others bigger than themselves. But we never truly understand them. Oh - how we want to. But do lovers even ever understand each other? I mean truly. Do we ever have soul mates?

I'd like to meet a soul. Not a person, but a soul. We assume souls are our conscious, moral fiber and well being. But why do we just assume that the soul of a person is the good? What if, I'm a good person, but a bad soul? Just one day, I'd like to feel like a soul, not a person, but a spirit that doesn't need anything except perhaps another soul to float with. Is that understanding? Two souls staring into each other becoming one? I would feel like that would be love. But, sometimes souls don't connect. Sometimes we never let ourselves be aware. Some people just aren't conscious. They consume themselves in things to take that away. Maybe those people who are hurting and inflicting their own souls - they don't even understand or connect with their souls. How can two souls meet if we don't even understand our own soul?

For now, I'll have nothing but myself. Even on good days, I might not even have that. I don't even have today. Because, today will eventually be gone. The only thing that ever stays still and consistent for me is in fact, me. I'd hate to lose myself. So this is why I like hiding. My thoughts, my soul. All mine. I guess I like to be alone so much because it's even crowded in there. With that soul of mine taking up so much space, it's hard to feel empty.

I think when I'm with the people I love though, my soul leaves and hangs out with the other souls around me. I picture it joking around the way children do with other children. Souls together I mean. Like play-mates. I suppose it's why I feel so good and forget myself with others. But at the end of the day after playing, my soul always comes back to me and rests itself and it's problems with me.

So,perhaps we never have real soul mates, but just play-mates. Like the ones our mommies or daddies use to take us to when we were little. And perhaps then, we are the parents for our soul. And after we die, our souls are on their own for the first time. And we may never know what our soul children do without us. You just have to trust and understand them the best way you can. And then, my soul will find it's own way. I think I'd like that.

I don't want to command what my soul should do forever. I want it to be bigger than me. And maybe that's why we never understand other people or even ourselves for that matter. We're solely focused on what we leave behind - what kind of souls we raise to illuminate and to reflect ourselves.

So really, it's not my problems that matter. It's my soul I'm worried about.

Wow. I really blame Before Sunrise for this random rant.