Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Conversations With Myself

Everyday I ask myself, “What’s the point.” Everyday I feel a little bit closer and a little bit further from the truth. Should you become discouraged? Do you run away from your problems? Everyday, someone somewhere gives up. Will I be that person next? I keep asking, “What stands in my way?” I answer, “Everything.”

Yes, I talk to myself a lot.

It’s a funny business – Film. It keeps dying and becoming reborn every few years. In a way, Independent film is dead. Completely – 100% dead. No one will ever see your film. You won’t make any money. Nobody cares. On the other hand – it doesn’t matter. I have my whole future ahead of me and I have a lot left to learn. After you escape college, it’s an exciting time because you have no idea where you are going to end up. I could sell out and work for some big company that will probably drain my very own soul out of me, or I could keep to myself, walk around withholding my very own genius and hope one day, I can make the greatest film ever with 50,000 dollars to only throw away all the money for a film no one will see.

Hmm, what to do? I was thinking that today. There are very few options for me in my life that will drive me one or the other day. I can give up, sell out or never surrender but accomplish nothing probably.

I like this time in my life when everything is exciting and hopeful. One day, I’ll be jaded, but no that day is not today. Everyday, I have long conversations with myself and everyday I ask one final question: “What’s left to gain?” The answer: “Everything.”

So I keep producing and I keep writing. Eventually, everything’s gotta fall into place, right?

Uh oh. Another question. Another answer I gotta come up with myself. I’ll save that conversation for myself for another day.

1 comment:

Something Jenna-ish said...

i find problems when my own thought dominates my mind with uncertainty for my future plans and dreams. yesterday i talked with kristen about owning a book store, but ultimately my goal is just owning property that accrues in value so money is a less burdensome part of my life. i still find myself longing to be more talented here or there, and challenging myself to gain monetary successes. i hope one day i can just be sure that my path will lead me to happiness.